rustyhonesty | [Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

Don't give me that. It was supposed to be a nice moment for you two. I ruined it.

[Somehow he should have anticipated that reply and Reiner blaming himself, but also no. He was so sure it was all on him.

Still is.]

I shouldn't have said what I did. I should have let Bertholdt handle that.

I ruined everything before we even arrived to his place.

No. He was right. Knowing the details won't change what's happened.

[ A long pause. ]

A part of me wishes I didn't know. How fucked up is that? Another part is so angry I was kept ignorant that it's hard to think.

[Jean is very glad this isn't in person, since he's getting emotional. At the same time, he kind of just wants to give Reiner a hug? But he shouldn't. He's the reason Reiner is hurting.

He knows how Reiner feels, though. Knowing how Marco died didn't change the fact that it did. Yet being kept in the dark about what happened also hurt. The moment he learned about it hit so hard. It carried to the moment he met Reiner again.

Nothing changed how powerless they felt about their best friends' dead. Best friends and more, for Reiner. The one he loves and wanted to even marry.

They both were involved in taking someone they loved dearly away. Of course they'd end up like this. It was just a matter of time.]

Maybe it doesn't change anything, but it wasn't my place to decide for you if you hear about it or not.

[He hesitates on another message, but sends one, in the end.]

I'm sorry, Reiner. Even if I don't expect you to forgive me, I really mean it.

[ Those first words bring a brittle smile to Reiner's lips, utterly humorless. ]

No one asks me what I want to know, Jean.

[ Information is either withheld or dumped into Reiner's lap unprompted, depriving him of even a cursory mental preparation.

Not that it would matter. Not when reality still slides beneath Reiner's fingertips, his mind patched but still broken. ]

I'm sorry, too.

[ For Marco. For betraying Jean's trust. For being born on opposite sides of the Wall. ]

[The comment stings. He's one of the people who witheld information from him. What he thought was for the better, might have been for the worse.]

I never meant to hurt you, but I should have asked what you wanted to know. About Annie, about Bertholdt, about Shiganshina. It's too late now.

[For someone so proud about honesty, he sure had kept a lot of information from who he thought of as a close friend, now.]

I won't bother you, but I can at least promise I'll be fine on the mission.

[ Too late, indeed. What would Reiner have said, had he been given the chance to choose? He thinks he would've sought answers, but he'll never truly know.

Reiner could respond any number of ways. He could ask precisely what Jean means by "bother"; he could skip that and assure Jean that he isn't a bother at all. Instead, he types, ]

I don't want you to get hurt.

I wasn't here last time. I couldn't help you. I

[ —failed.

Bertholdt, crying for help. Reiner, somehow failing to save Bertholdt when he was needed most. ]

That can't happen again, Jean.

Stop.

[That's the quickest answer he's done this time, just that one word. For Reiner to stop spiraling.]

There was physically no way you could have been there. It's in no way your fault. So don't you dare take the blame! It's my burden to bear alone.

[Not even Hijikata's or Mukuro's. Just his.]

I'm not going to die. I'm not going to get hurt. I faced the werewolves already, I can't be afraid of a place.

I'm going, and that's it.

[He hates how the conversation turned on him again. Not that it was any better before.]

[ "Stop," Jean writes. And for a long moment, Reiner does so. He sits still, his head bowed, a hand half-covering his face. He reads Jean's next message as it arrives, clinging to the words. They're logical; they make sense. Yet it takes effort for Reiner to process them—and a part of him simply can't.

Because Reiner will always shoulder the blame, whether it's logical or not. He will pile one burden after another upon his back, trudging forward as the weight of the entire world bears down, slowly crushing him.

He doesn't know how to be any other way.

But he wants to believe that Jean will be safe. He wants to believe that nothing will happen to his friend. He wants to. ]

I'll be right there. [ This time. ] If there's something you can't face, call to me.

[ Reiner will protect Jean. This time.

A moment later: ]

If you're wrong, I'm wrapping you head to toe in that Protective Wrap from Riki's, whether you like it or not.

I know. And I'm grateful that you have my back.

[It's very reassuring. He really did think they'd have difficulties from now on, but it seems like he was being stupid, avoiding Reiner without needing to. Losing precious time with a friend.

(How about you listen to Marco sometimes.)

Jean can't help but laugh a bit at the last remark. Mostly through the mental image. It's a much needed laugh though, to counter the heavy feeling.]

Piss off. You'd need to catch me first.

[Catch, because he wouldn't be able to fight Reiner off and he knows that.

But, he does need to comment on something a little more seriously.]

I want to see you before the mission, though. To hang out.

If you're really fine with that.

["I miss hanging out with you" is left unsaid, but is implied.]

[ This time, Reiner's small smile holds some humor, tension easing from his shoulders. ]

Yeah. I'd really like that.

[ I've missed you, too. ]

[Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

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