rustyhonesty | [Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

[This is sudden. They hadn't talked for a while since the meeting with Berholdt (mostly due to Jean avoiding), so just getting a text message like this...

His first instinct is still to text "You have a cat?" But instead he sends a short and simple message.]

Can't.

Oh.

[ That's reasonable, Reiner supposes. It's not as though Jean signed up to look after Reiner's cat. But the abruptness of the message has him ask, ]

Any specific reason?

[ Maybe Jean is allergic to Reiner's cat? How should he know!

It couldn't have anything to do with Jean avoiding him. Right? ]

[It's just awkward to be texting someone he's been avoiding and who, in all logic, should have been reluctant to interract with him, too-

But he does give a proper answer to this, at least, instead of just one word.]

I'm going too.

[ Denial is never awkward, Jean! Never!

But that answer warrants an immediate response from Reiner: ]

What?

[ Then: ]

Oh, you're joking. Very funny.

[Jean raises his eyebrows at his phone at the texts.]

I'm not joking, so sorry you're gonna have to find another cat-sitter.

[ A pause. Then: ]

Why in the hell would you even THINK of going on that mission?

For the same reason as everyone else: to help.

[Careful there or he'll leave you on read.]

[ Unfortunately, personal caution is the last thing on Reiner's mind when he's trying to take care of someone important to him. ]

There are other ways for you to help, Jean. There's no need for you to go there.

I'm not changing my mind.

[There's a pause. He knows Reiner means well (??? But should he??? He shouldn't be talking to Jean???) but this is something he's stubborn about.]

I will need to face that place one day, so might as well do it when there's a lot of people with me.

[ Reiner flatly ignores the first message, pushing forward. ]

A lot people will be there because it's a mission. It's a high-pressure situation. That's no time to test things.

I'm not "testing" anything! I'm just saying I will be alright since there's a lot of people with me. You know I wouldn't use this opportunity to be so selfish.

[Oh.

Oh.

Maybe being worried about him is actually an excuse. Maybe he just doesn't want Jean near him (or Bertholdt). That makes sense.]

I know you don't want me around, but it's a huge mission so we can be far away from each other.

What?

[ There's a pause after that message. A pause during which Reiner tries to figure out, ]

What are you talking about, Jean? I never said anything like that. You've been avoiding me.

That's fine. I get it. I'm not going to push you for your company.

I messed up before. I know that.

But I AM going to tell you when you're acting reckless. You going on this mission is reckless.

Edited 2024-08-18 07:18 (UTC)

[Well, he hadn't said anything like that, but-

Also why couldn't he text this all in one message.]

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to talk to me after last time. So I've give just been giving you space.

It's not like you've done anything.

[Completely ignoring the reckless part? Yes.]

Don't give me that. It was supposed to be a nice moment for you two. I ruined it.

[Somehow he should have anticipated that reply and Reiner blaming himself, but also no. He was so sure it was all on him.

Still is.]

I shouldn't have said what I did. I should have let Bertholdt handle that.

I ruined everything before we even arrived to his place.

No. He was right. Knowing the details won't change what's happened.

[ A long pause. ]

A part of me wishes I didn't know. How fucked up is that? Another part is so angry I was kept ignorant that it's hard to think.

[Jean is very glad this isn't in person, since he's getting emotional. At the same time, he kind of just wants to give Reiner a hug? But he shouldn't. He's the reason Reiner is hurting.

He knows how Reiner feels, though. Knowing how Marco died didn't change the fact that it did. Yet being kept in the dark about what happened also hurt. The moment he learned about it hit so hard. It carried to the moment he met Reiner again.

Nothing changed how powerless they felt about their best friends' dead. Best friends and more, for Reiner. The one he loves and wanted to even marry.

They both were involved in taking someone they loved dearly away. Of course they'd end up like this. It was just a matter of time.]

Maybe it doesn't change anything, but it wasn't my place to decide for you if you hear about it or not.

[He hesitates on another message, but sends one, in the end.]

I'm sorry, Reiner. Even if I don't expect you to forgive me, I really mean it.

[ Those first words bring a brittle smile to Reiner's lips, utterly humorless. ]

No one asks me what I want to know, Jean.

[ Information is either withheld or dumped into Reiner's lap unprompted, depriving him of even a cursory mental preparation.

Not that it would matter. Not when reality still slides beneath Reiner's fingertips, his mind patched but still broken. ]

I'm sorry, too.

[ For Marco. For betraying Jean's trust. For being born on opposite sides of the Wall. ]

[The comment stings. He's one of the people who witheld information from him. What he thought was for the better, might have been for the worse.]

I never meant to hurt you, but I should have asked what you wanted to know. About Annie, about Bertholdt, about Shiganshina. It's too late now.

[For someone so proud about honesty, he sure had kept a lot of information from who he thought of as a close friend, now.]

I won't bother you, but I can at least promise I'll be fine on the mission.

[ Too late, indeed. What would Reiner have said, had he been given the chance to choose? He thinks he would've sought answers, but he'll never truly know.

Reiner could respond any number of ways. He could ask precisely what Jean means by "bother"; he could skip that and assure Jean that he isn't a bother at all. Instead, he types, ]

I don't want you to get hurt.

I wasn't here last time. I couldn't help you. I

[ —failed.

Bertholdt, crying for help. Reiner, somehow failing to save Bertholdt when he was needed most. ]

That can't happen again, Jean.

Stop.

[That's the quickest answer he's done this time, just that one word. For Reiner to stop spiraling.]

There was physically no way you could have been there. It's in no way your fault. So don't you dare take the blame! It's my burden to bear alone.

[Not even Hijikata's or Mukuro's. Just his.]

I'm not going to die. I'm not going to get hurt. I faced the werewolves already, I can't be afraid of a place.

I'm going, and that's it.

[He hates how the conversation turned on him again. Not that it was any better before.]

[Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

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