rustyhonesty | [Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

[Jean looks down, at his hands that he's keeping on the table - unable to actually look Bert in the eyes for a while.]

... Reiner said the same. Your goal was to kill us all. Just like we were trying to kill you all. We all have people we want to protect more than anything.

[Somehow they had won. Their losses were huge, but they won in the sense that more of them survived and Shiganshina was reclaimed.

He hesitates a moment, but then adds.]

Reiner would be dead, too, if it wasn't for me.

[ That means Reiner must have been captured by the scouts. Bertholdt doesn't give much of a reaction, though his eyelids flicker down, once, fighting the urge to squeeze together tightly. ]

I appreciate any time you bought him, even if he's dead no matter what.

[ He'll either be tortured and likely fed to someone else in Paradis, or suffer a similar fate on return to Marley. Because he's avoided Levi, and hasn't met Falco; he doesn't know that Reiner does survive. ]

What Reiner and I were doing... it's not what we wanted. It doesn't change that we were the ones who did it.

[ Bertholdt pauses again, here. When he speaks again his voice is as soft as it's ever been. ]

We were happy, in Paradis.

... I don't know what will happen to him after Shiganshina, but he's not our prisoner. Not anymore. That quadruple titan came and took him.

[Just so Bert knows they're not doing anything to him. It falls on Marley. If that hadn't happened, Hange would have killed him since they had another titan shifter to use. He might be killed when he goes home, but at least he makes it back home, if nothing else.

Jean finally looks at Bertholdt. It doesn't change that they're murderers, no. The blood is on their hands. It's not a matter that can just be forgotten and forgiven.

'We were happy'. Jean swallows, feeling like something got caught in his throat.]

I realized it couldn't have all been a lie when Reiner told us he had a letter from Ymir that he wanted Krista to have no matter what. He still cared about them that much. And if he cared about them...

[It took him a while, but he figured it out. Why he was so desperate to save Reiner. Because he realized they still cared, even after everything. The moments they had had genuinity behind them.]

So I believe when you say you were happy. And... I don't want to lose that thought. Even if we can never return to being carefree cadets, I want to at least try getting along. If you'd ... like. And if I haven't already screwed up the chance.

[While he started this off with 'For Reiner', it was more than that. He couldn't deny it. It was still for Reiner, too, but also for himself. A selfish wish, perhaps.]

[ Bertholdt smiles sadly when Jean mentions the cart titan - Pieck. Marley will want a scapegoat for losing two Titans and failing to retrieve the Founder; Zeke will work it in his favor, which will leave Reiner to shoulder the blame.

Bittersweet comfort, that they'll be together again soon.

There's some sentimentality about Jean mentioning the letter from Ymir. It had been the one thing they'd promised her they'd fulfill since she was giving her own life to them. Knowing they might be returning to doom her lover by taking Eren away.

At least Reiner made sure she got the letter.

Jean's offer of trying to hold onto that thought does surprise Bertholdt. It's not easy to see but Jean spent three years in close quarters with him; the slight widening of his eyes, his mouth falling open for a moment before he seals it closed. ]

I'd be happy to try, Jean.

[Jean does pick up the small details. It had been years, but he had always been pretty observant. The surprise doesn't really come as a surprise, considering Jean hasn't always been the most cooperative or friendly kind of a guy and Bertholdt hasn't been around during his 'growth'.

Even if being on close terms with Reiner here was probably a sign for the better.

He smiles. It's a small one, but it's genuine.]

I'm glad for that.

... There's something I should tell you, though. If you don't already...

[ He can't quite finish it, but the expression on his face goes from a smile to somber, a stricken look in his eyes. If Jean needs to hate them for this, let him hate him.

He knows, on some level, that Jean already knows about this - about Marco's death. About Reiner, Annie and Bertholdt's involvement in it, if not the details then by logical inference.

But he deserves the honesty of it. ]

Edited 2024-12-24 06:59 (UTC)

[The smile fades, getting replaced with a serious, almost mournful, look. He knows exactly what this is about. What else would it be, really.

One of the things he can never forgive them about.]

I know. And I'm angry at all of you three for it. I can't and won't forgive any of you... but I also won't linger on it.

[He could be bitter about it and ruin any chances of friendship with all of them. That would be easy. But it's also something he doesn't wanna do.]

Marco's now here and safe. That's what matters. Like you, he got a second chance at life. We might as well try our best to enjoy the chance rather than soil it.

[He almost adds "as long as it lasts", but bites back the words.]

[ Bertholdt doesn't restate the obvious, especially given he's said it before - the things they did were unforgivable. What they did to Marco was unforgivable, exactly as much as it was necessary. Two days before the attack, maybe Marco would have believed Reiner's awful joke.

There was no chance after, and he was smart. It took him moments to figure out what others were still grappling with. He was always the most adaptable, the most kind.

Bertholdt closes his eyes, just for a moment. Killing thousands of people never felt as personal as what they did to Marco. As what happened to Marcel. As realizing what had happened to Eren's mother as a result of what they did.

There is no forgiving that. Indeed, they both have a second chance now. ]

I see.

[ It has, of course, sobered the mood, but it needed to be said. He won't apologize to Jean - while he is sorry, it will never make up for it. It'll only serve to provoke him.

So, he leaves it. ]

If you need to leave now, I would understand. But ... I hope you'll stay for a bit.

[ At least long enough for the drinks to be served, maybe. ]

[If Bertholdt had apologized he probably would have left. Speaking about it wasn't pleasant or easy, but hearing an apology after he said he wouldn't forgive any of them would have just pissed him off. At least Bertholdt had always been good at reading the mood, rather than just blurting things out.

(Jean still needed to work on that himself.)

He does appreciate the honesty, at least.

The mood is now a bit more tense again, but Jean shakes his head.]

I'll stay. It would be nice to talk about something else.

[Maybe about something related to how Bert's been adjusting to Ellipsa or just something other than this.]

[ He's never been a master conversationalist. But, there is something he's found in Ellipsa he enjoys, and he could keep a conversation going for quite a while about. ]

Have you found and read any books you like here? Fiction, not study books.

[Books were a good change in subject. Though admittedly, Jean's been reading more study material than anything else. But...]

I'm currently reading a book called Pride and Prejudice. Something about the setting and the character feels nice.

[A quick summary of the book that Shiranna is not writing here.]

[ Bertholdt listens to the story explanation so far with a curious expression. He smiles after a moment. ]

Elizabeth sounds like quite a character. I might have to read that myself.

I found a book series here - Tales of Temptation. It has a similar premise, in that the main character is trying to pick someone to marry, though he has the choice of many suitors.

[Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

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this may change later but /handwaves

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