rustyhonesty | [Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

[ Bertholdt sends the location marker. He makes his way there immediately; he wants to get there first, to settle himself somewhere he can easily bolt if he needs to. He dislikes crowded spaces, a combination of the years of internment and, while trapped, the relative space of the inside walls; it doesn't show much on his face, however.

He has a book with him, The Red Drapes of Temptation, but he's not really reading it - more using it as something to do with his hands and eyes. He waits to order, wanting to wait for Jean.

And when he spots him, he raises an arm in greeting - it's hard to miss the exceptionally tall teenager. ]

[Jean also leaves for the cafe right away, not wanting to get second thoughts. The place is easy enough to find, just like Bertholdt is easy enough to spot. After a quick wave back he makes his way to the table and sits across from Bert.

Clueless of what to actually say, he decides to ask a basic cafe question.]

Did you already order?

[ Bertholdt isn't quite sure what to say either. For all that he's smart, Reiner is the more sociable of the two of them. He shakes his head in response to Jean's question. ]

No, I decided we could order together. My treat.

[ He already knows what he wants, having looked up the menu before he arrived. But he'll wait for Jean to decide on something before he waves the waiter over. ]

[Well, that did make sense. It doesn't take very long for him to decide, since he's a creature of habit most of the time. So he just gets a hazelnut latte. Nothing fancy, pretty cheap, still nice amount of coffee flavor.

It's what comes after ordering that's hard. Do they start talking now? Do they wait for their orders and instead do smalltalk? Jean could ask him how he's been settling in, but would that sounds too superfluous?

Not that sitting in an awkward silence is much better.]

[ Bertholdt orders a coffee, black, with cream and sugar on the side. After a moment, glancing over the menu, he orders two sweet rolls as well. If Jean doesn't want one, he can take it home for later.

Awkward silence? They unfortunately know her.

Bertholdt folds his hands into his lap, so he won't be tempted to fidget, and takes a small bracing breath. ]

We should clear the air, for Reiner's sake if nothing else. You've been avoiding me; I've been avoiding you. I'm assuming it's for the same reason.

[ Because Jean had watched Bertholdt die. ]

[Jean nods in agreement. At least they both had Reiner in mind. Not that he doubted it. If anything, Berholdt was here for Reiner and Reiner only.]

I want to at least make sure I say that I'm not avoiding you because I hate you. There are things I can't forgive... but I don't hate you.

[That's the most important part he wants to add to the table.]

But I don't expect the same the other way around. Not after... that.

The things we did were - are - unforgivable.

[ Bertholdt says it evenly, with a surety that surprises even him. The hate he feels has always been something he conceals easier compared to Reiner, it seems; but there is still something in his tone that speaks to how much he does hate himself for what he did.

After all, Jean had heard his desperate pleading, when they tried to kidnap Eren.

Bertholdt is silent when Jean says he doesn't expect the same, and then speaks again, slower, words picked deliberately. ]

I don't hate you for what you chose to do. Were the situations reversed, I likely would have done the same. I was going to - and tried to - kill all of you to protect Reiner.

[ He closes his eyes. ]

My grief is in my failure to do just that by dying. It was never about hate. I made a choice long ago about the people I would protect...

[ There is only room in my heart for so many people. Surely Jean had heard Mikasa say that. ]

[Jean looks down, at his hands that he's keeping on the table - unable to actually look Bert in the eyes for a while.]

... Reiner said the same. Your goal was to kill us all. Just like we were trying to kill you all. We all have people we want to protect more than anything.

[Somehow they had won. Their losses were huge, but they won in the sense that more of them survived and Shiganshina was reclaimed.

He hesitates a moment, but then adds.]

Reiner would be dead, too, if it wasn't for me.

[ That means Reiner must have been captured by the scouts. Bertholdt doesn't give much of a reaction, though his eyelids flicker down, once, fighting the urge to squeeze together tightly. ]

I appreciate any time you bought him, even if he's dead no matter what.

[ He'll either be tortured and likely fed to someone else in Paradis, or suffer a similar fate on return to Marley. Because he's avoided Levi, and hasn't met Falco; he doesn't know that Reiner does survive. ]

What Reiner and I were doing... it's not what we wanted. It doesn't change that we were the ones who did it.

[ Bertholdt pauses again, here. When he speaks again his voice is as soft as it's ever been. ]

We were happy, in Paradis.

... I don't know what will happen to him after Shiganshina, but he's not our prisoner. Not anymore. That quadruple titan came and took him.

[Just so Bert knows they're not doing anything to him. It falls on Marley. If that hadn't happened, Hange would have killed him since they had another titan shifter to use. He might be killed when he goes home, but at least he makes it back home, if nothing else.

Jean finally looks at Bertholdt. It doesn't change that they're murderers, no. The blood is on their hands. It's not a matter that can just be forgotten and forgiven.

'We were happy'. Jean swallows, feeling like something got caught in his throat.]

I realized it couldn't have all been a lie when Reiner told us he had a letter from Ymir that he wanted Krista to have no matter what. He still cared about them that much. And if he cared about them...

[It took him a while, but he figured it out. Why he was so desperate to save Reiner. Because he realized they still cared, even after everything. The moments they had had genuinity behind them.]

So I believe when you say you were happy. And... I don't want to lose that thought. Even if we can never return to being carefree cadets, I want to at least try getting along. If you'd ... like. And if I haven't already screwed up the chance.

[While he started this off with 'For Reiner', it was more than that. He couldn't deny it. It was still for Reiner, too, but also for himself. A selfish wish, perhaps.]

[ Bertholdt smiles sadly when Jean mentions the cart titan - Pieck. Marley will want a scapegoat for losing two Titans and failing to retrieve the Founder; Zeke will work it in his favor, which will leave Reiner to shoulder the blame.

Bittersweet comfort, that they'll be together again soon.

There's some sentimentality about Jean mentioning the letter from Ymir. It had been the one thing they'd promised her they'd fulfill since she was giving her own life to them. Knowing they might be returning to doom her lover by taking Eren away.

At least Reiner made sure she got the letter.

Jean's offer of trying to hold onto that thought does surprise Bertholdt. It's not easy to see but Jean spent three years in close quarters with him; the slight widening of his eyes, his mouth falling open for a moment before he seals it closed. ]

I'd be happy to try, Jean.

[Jean does pick up the small details. It had been years, but he had always been pretty observant. The surprise doesn't really come as a surprise, considering Jean hasn't always been the most cooperative or friendly kind of a guy and Bertholdt hasn't been around during his 'growth'.

Even if being on close terms with Reiner here was probably a sign for the better.

He smiles. It's a small one, but it's genuine.]

I'm glad for that.

... There's something I should tell you, though. If you don't already...

[ He can't quite finish it, but the expression on his face goes from a smile to somber, a stricken look in his eyes. If Jean needs to hate them for this, let him hate him.

He knows, on some level, that Jean already knows about this - about Marco's death. About Reiner, Annie and Bertholdt's involvement in it, if not the details then by logical inference.

But he deserves the honesty of it. ]

Edited 2024-12-24 06:59 (UTC)

[The smile fades, getting replaced with a serious, almost mournful, look. He knows exactly what this is about. What else would it be, really.

One of the things he can never forgive them about.]

I know. And I'm angry at all of you three for it. I can't and won't forgive any of you... but I also won't linger on it.

[He could be bitter about it and ruin any chances of friendship with all of them. That would be easy. But it's also something he doesn't wanna do.]

Marco's now here and safe. That's what matters. Like you, he got a second chance at life. We might as well try our best to enjoy the chance rather than soil it.

[He almost adds "as long as it lasts", but bites back the words.]

[ Bertholdt doesn't restate the obvious, especially given he's said it before - the things they did were unforgivable. What they did to Marco was unforgivable, exactly as much as it was necessary. Two days before the attack, maybe Marco would have believed Reiner's awful joke.

There was no chance after, and he was smart. It took him moments to figure out what others were still grappling with. He was always the most adaptable, the most kind.

Bertholdt closes his eyes, just for a moment. Killing thousands of people never felt as personal as what they did to Marco. As what happened to Marcel. As realizing what had happened to Eren's mother as a result of what they did.

There is no forgiving that. Indeed, they both have a second chance now. ]

I see.

[ It has, of course, sobered the mood, but it needed to be said. He won't apologize to Jean - while he is sorry, it will never make up for it. It'll only serve to provoke him.

So, he leaves it. ]

If you need to leave now, I would understand. But ... I hope you'll stay for a bit.

[ At least long enough for the drinks to be served, maybe. ]

[If Bertholdt had apologized he probably would have left. Speaking about it wasn't pleasant or easy, but hearing an apology after he said he wouldn't forgive any of them would have just pissed him off. At least Bertholdt had always been good at reading the mood, rather than just blurting things out.

(Jean still needed to work on that himself.)

He does appreciate the honesty, at least.

The mood is now a bit more tense again, but Jean shakes his head.]

I'll stay. It would be nice to talk about something else.

[Maybe about something related to how Bert's been adjusting to Ellipsa or just something other than this.]

[ He's never been a master conversationalist. But, there is something he's found in Ellipsa he enjoys, and he could keep a conversation going for quite a while about. ]

Have you found and read any books you like here? Fiction, not study books.

[Books were a good change in subject. Though admittedly, Jean's been reading more study material than anything else. But...]

I'm currently reading a book called Pride and Prejudice. Something about the setting and the character feels nice.

[A quick summary of the book that Shiranna is not writing here.]

[ Bertholdt listens to the story explanation so far with a curious expression. He smiles after a moment. ]

Elizabeth sounds like quite a character. I might have to read that myself.

I found a book series here - Tales of Temptation. It has a similar premise, in that the main character is trying to pick someone to marry, though he has the choice of many suitors.

[Seasons] Inbox; un: jean

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this may change later but /handwaves

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